coolconspirator

The new year's come round. And I've missed a lot of movies, and by now you have an idea which are the ones you want to watch and which are the ones you don't want to waste your time on. So this is a bunch of pretty pictures. Yay!

( Top 10 movies I've yet to see from 2007 )

I feel a shift in pop culture. Just round the corner from now there'll be another big bang in music. Like the Garage / New Rock in the early 00's or Grunge, Brit-pop. I have no inkling for what it'll be but it's coming soon. The White Stripes, The Strokes, Interpol even Artic Monkeys arn't buzzing like they did.

Woah. been a long time. I guess I'm just enjoying the holidays. Been a few days since I came back from the Snowy Mountains.

Really boring car trip there. I think I nearly went deaf from all the music I listened to, along the way.

I climbed to the top of Australia. The climb was apparently supposed to be relatively easy. So I wore a sweater and shorts and a straw hat. You know, comfortable attire. You hop on the ski-lift and you get to the start of the walk, and it's billowing like a gale. I think to myself. I can tough this out, no problem. Just a brisk walk. I was really very wrong. Most of the walk was a series of slowly ascending valleys and hills. You think that once you get to the top of a certain hill you can see the end at the next one, but then you see this giant peak appearing in the distance and you realise there's so much more to do. The worst thing for me was that half-way through I was running on an empty stomach. So you get over five or so of these steep hills and then you see the final ascent to the top. It just so happens that this is the worst one. All I could think about was trying not to think about food and just trying to beat the person in front of me. Yeah, I'm not one for pacing myself. If I slow down then I'm wasting energy. So I literally went non-stop up this mountain. I passed a rather over-weight lady on the way, who I felt rather sorry for. When I got to the top there was relief. But I didn't enjoy the view too much. I was too hungry and cold. My general line of thought was "Great but I wish they sold sandwiches up here". So after a few minutes I went back to the ski-lift as fast as humanly possible. I don't think I stopped once, for the whole 6.5km.

And did I mention I suffer from vertigo?

I got sunburnt from the holiday. They had a great indoor swimming pool at the resort, that you could use for free. And hardly anyone was there. So it was like a personal pool.

I went canoeing and kayaking. Which I though would be the most enjoyable activity, but I never realised how tiring it was to use one of those things. I discovered muscles I never knew I had. If I go again next time I think I'd prefer to wind-surf.

On the drive back there was this really wicked, long winding road and you do these incredible turns in complete bushland. I mean there were some really close calls with cars coming in the opposite direction. It was one of those places where you could plummet to your death, and no one would know about it. There was one particular area in the bush where a bunch of bikies with beards were coming full speed down this steep winding road. There was one guy that gave us a snarl, which I promptly waved back at. It was like six of these guys coming one after the other, so there was some real danger that they could crash into us whilst rounding a bend.

Anyway there was another stretch of road that was amazingly surreal. It was something out of a Salvador Dali painting. At the top of a mountain all you can see around you are snow white trees with no leaves, just thick bare branches that completely cover the mountainside, and underneath them, hundreds of small yellow flowers. It was particularly eerie because the sun was beating down, and because the trees had no leaves, there was no shade. Everything was so unusually exposed and bright. Where as only ten minutes back, there was lush, green bushland. I was also listening to In Rainbows by Radiohead at the time so that probably added some atmosphere. But yeah, very spooky. The kind of place, where if you stayed too long, you might go insane.

So, a few moments to remember, and probably some more that I can't.

I feel like an old person right now. My bones are creaking. Urgh...

I've been in such a weird mood lately. I always feel like zoning out. There's just something not clicking in my head. I have a feeling it's because I need a new change of direction. Something drastic? I dunno. Always don't know.

I definately know one thing. I'm getting a haircut. I've had medium to long hair for a long time now. So I'm gonna cut it way short. And I've wanted a tattoo for a while. So that might happen. I've always had that curiosity for getting one. Other people think it's stupid or just something to show off. For me, it seems like I'm meant to. That sounds really stupid but I guess that's the only way to put it. I've just waited til now to find the right thing to print on my body for the rest of my life. I'm definately not getting a name or some angel shit.

I saw United 93. My god that is the best film I've seen in a while.

Wow. I've been out of the loop for a while. I think my entries may become less frequent. Not that I'm going altogether. It's just that I haven't got the hang of it as much. You know? Plus I have such a short term memory these days. I can't even remember what I did last week.

Anyway some little tidbits of my present:

I played baseball at the park on the weekend and my entire right arm is sore. Even typing hurts.

It looks like I'm going to the Snowy Mountains for Christmas. I'm mainly looking forward to canoeing or kayaking. and the drives. I'm a bit of an oddball, cos I really enjoy long drives. And perhaps paragliding if it happens.

This Side Of Paradise by F.Scott Fitzgerald is really really tedious.

I love love In Rainbows by Radiohead. Actually it'd be great for some of those scenic drives. However it reminds me of Amnesiac a lot. Like a less moodier Amnesiac.

I hope the next Socceroos coach is Neeskens or Rijkaard (if that's even remotely possible). Mourinho wouldn't be bad. Bilardo or Beenhaaker or Jol would be good.

Ever heard the Patrick Doyle score for Great Expectations (1998)? Listen to Kissing In The Rain. Very Nice.

Mangoes are nice. Watermelons are nicer. Cherries are most nice.

I'm up late as usual. I was browsing through the internet, Wikipedia (more specifically) and I stumble upon a link for "Slow-wave sleep" and then I go to Insomnia. I was looking at all these sleep disorders and I find a link to Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (thinking it sounded interesting). And I start reading it beginning to end, and this slow realisation crept through me. I have this. I have exactly this. I match every symptom and sign. Taking "naps" during the day. Not being able to correct my sleep pattern to an earlier time. And I also had depression, which is
supposed to be prevalent in sufferers.

This is huge. This is like a Eureka moment. All those years, thinking it was just insomnia and feeling tired or not being able to concentrate...

Now I have to go to sleep and wait until tomorrow to tell anyone about it.

roof of my mouth is numb. hat's an oddd thing. such are all things. or most things...

Love, lust, romance, sexuality. It's all tied up together somewhere. Just that some people tend to concentrate on one aspect more than the rest. It's all psychological. Childhood such and such.

I never understood why so many of my friends were besotted by Pride & Prejudice. It's all talk and not much else. I was watching Brideshead Revisited and said this is what I prefer. It's more raw, honest and frank about sex. Something my friends would've giggled at or frowned upon. Sure it has all those moral, social, religious boundaries that try to defeat us all, but that's what we're all stuck with, even now.

People who don't understand that raw connection are people I can't deal with. But then they are also people who are denied that. So do we all have that potential? Of course.

Dolphins are the only organisms, apart from humans that feel pleasure from mating. At least that's what I'm told. I was asked by a close friend, why. I don't remember my answer. Only now, I would've told her that perhaps intelligence equates pleasure. We need that justification. Otherwise we would've said what's the point? we're not savages.

The point? The point is nil. Or infinite. Perhaps these are the questions for a "higher being". I tend to tease myself with unanswerable questions so I can carry on living happily.

Anyway back to this whole love-sex thing. I think you're cursed the more conscience and intelligence we have. Sometimes I wish I were the opposite, and then I realise I would lead a much less fulfilling life. Or potentially. There's always potential. The future. Our Fate. That stupid Robert Frost poem.

Anyway, again, I might've misled myself. I am thoroughly influenced by alcohol and may have left my inhibitions behind. This is possibly my subconcious extending in my mind. Letting itself out for a walk between drink and hangover. I don't rely on it. But at times I can let myself go. I hope I don't suffer the same fate as Sebastien, even when I see so many paralells.

Now is the time for Cheerio and goodbye.

ETA?: I feel the need for one. A friend, long time friend called while I was in hospital. I wasn't the one who answered but I didn't return a reply. I knew what it was for. A 21st. Those dreaded parties where you dress up and fein interest in one strangers life. Arn't they all? These ones are worse, especially with the types of friends I had. These you have to talk like you're important, like you matter to the world & to them. But the difference with this one was because the person who had the birthday was someone who stood out to me. She was mean. She was a bitch, as you would say. But not to me. Because I would stand up to her. Secretly, in a way, I liked her meanstreak. Something sadistic or masochistic within myself. But soon, we grew apart. But the last time of talking I learnt a lot of those lost years we hadn't been in touch. She could be surprisingly sweet and she was always witty. She's still the one person I was curious about. The rest seemed like stupendous bores, emotionally stunted, but cursed with intelligence.
I askd my mother one time why I had so difficult relationships with women when I got on so comfortably with men. Of course, she didn't know. I don't think it's a Freudian thing. Perhaps I'm too similar to other women, that I grate with them. Or perhaps it's all in my head.

I don't know. I'll possibly regretall this in the morning. Perhaps it's better for my soul, to let it out. Let it out. A wonderful phrase.

Lovely day. Met a strange lady on the train. I think she might've been retarded. But I was pleasant to her, which no one else seemed to be. The awful thing is that I'm half deaf so I kept asking her to repeat what she said. Ha, maybe she thought the same of me.

I borrowed a ton of books. All of a sudden I'm a bookworm. I surprised myself, never thought I had the required attention span, but ever since reading The Great Gatsby I've been wanting to read something else, just as good. And the library also had Brideshead Revisited on DVD. Which I've always wanted to watch because Jeremy Irons + Laurence Olivier + BBC mini series + critically acclaimed = MUST SEE.

Anyway, this is what I borrowed.

F. Scott Fitzgerald - This Side Of Paradise
F. Scott Fitzgerald - Tender Is The Night
F. Scott Fitzgerald - The Last Tycoon
Evelyn Waugh - A Handul Of Dust
Robert Graves - I, Claudius
Charles Dickens - Great Expectations

Yes. I went F. Scott Fitzgerald crazy. And I've never actually read a Dickens novel. I know, I'm thoroughly uncultured. But my chosen medium was film and music. Books were cast aside when I had to study them at school. It really ruined any potential interest I could have had.

I had a "relapse" or a "reoccurence" and had to go to hospital again. Anyway long story short I'm back and I'm fine.

This whole thing has made me feel really quite weary. Mentally more than anything. And I'm tired of talking about it or thinking about it too. Right now I'm purely focused on getting better and nothing else. So I just stay indoors and and try to maintain some kind of routine. Even if it means caging my spirit for a week or so. Cos really, I'm dying to just go out to a park or a restaurant or shopping. There's only so much you can do inside, at home, without getting bored.

Anyway I watched Phantom Of The Opera again. I dunno I was in a musical mood. Aah. Gerard Butler. I could watch him in that film all day. My favourite part is Point Of No Return. Sexy as. Just picture it without Emmy Rossum. But the movie as a whole is a bit too polished, and gets a little tiresome or corny. A good film that could've been a great film.

Oh, I found out about this. It's called a Reactable and Bjork uses it for some of her new songs. It's so fuckin cool.

So I went to hospital on Tuesday and got back today. It got pretty bad. It spread all over my body in a 24hr period and I had frequent fevers, so I had to go.

Got there at 6 am and had to wait two hours for an emergency doctor to look at me. Then had to wait 2 hours for a specialist to see me. Then another hour for the dermatologist to look at me. Then another two hours waiting for him to take samples off me. Then an hour to hear the verdict, which was that I had to be admitted to hospital, while they examine me and wait for the results of the samples. Then I was wisked off to the ward in a wheelchair (which was fun) and waited in bed for 2 hours for another specialist to look at me and tell me what was going to happen.

It wasn't the best. But I felt oddly buoyed. I guess with the thought that I'd be cured, now that I had proper people examining me.

But they said it wasn't an allergic reaction. The reaction was probably because of a virus. They're still not sure what it was exactly but I'll know by next week.

I think I counted 11 needles that I've had in me. Two of which were for a cannula I didn't even need. The emergency doctor said in case I needed fluids, so she tried on my right which didn't work and then on my left which did. Both times it was pretty painful cos she did it just below the wrist on the outer side of the arm. And the needle felt like it was pushing aginst the bone. So I couldn't move my hand, in fear the needle would dig in. And now my veins have major bruising. I had it in for around 8 hours. I can't believe kids have to endure that.

Then the specialist took some skin samples which was kind of cool. He took from my upper arm and my back. He numbs the area with a needle so you don't feel pain. Then he cuts a circle of skin from you with, kind of like a cookie cutter style instrument. Then he gives you stiches to close the hole.

The nursing staff were pretty cool. They need a lot of patience for that job. I had an old man in the bed opposite. From what I gathered from eavesdropping, he loves plays, lived in London, the woman who visits him looks like his daughter but is actually his wife and he has a bad back. The overall impression I got was that he's a dignified man who's been reduced to an undignified state because of age and worsening health. I felt for him.

Hospital food was gross and tasteless. I had iPod and Guitar for company. But the stay wasn't that bad. I explored a little bit before I left. There was a Sleep Investigation Ward but I couldn't really peak in, which sucked. Though it was kind of like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, every door would lead to a strange new room. There was a whole ward that was completely abandoned, kind of creepy, like there'd been a mad rush to get out. And I found a room full of Christmas decorations and a giant Teddy Bear costume. I was gonna steal something as a souvenir but I only had a t-shirt on so I couldn't really hide anything. I wish I'd gone to other levels but I didn't have time.

At the moment my skin slightly resembles that of a burn victim. My face is gradually improving and I won't have too many scars except for the places where I got scabs from itching. I'm on a lot of medication and cream. So I'm pretty much on the way.